They call me Robert Petrie and I live in New Rochelle
With my wife Laura and son Ritchie
But now my life's a living hell cause...

I tripped over the ottoman
One too many times
I tripped over the ottoman
Until I lost my mind

I was head writer for Alan Brady
Maybe you've seen his show
It's not very funny and it makes my ears bleed
This week's guest star isn't Danny Thomas
This week's guest star is Death!

All day long I crank out one-liners
With Buddy, Sal and Mel
Once I laughed at Buddy's jokes
But now my life's a living hell cause...
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